It’s not true, folks. The lying liberal media wants you to think he’d shag a settee. That he’d bone a book stand. That he’s creamied on the credenza.

Don’t trust them. My beautiful boy JD, he’d never do it! He’s chaste with the chaises. He’s never loved a loveseat.

My VP would never fuck furniture.

  • Jo Miran@lemmy.ml
    112·
    4 months ago

    …to completion…

    Interesting specificity.

    Is this satire? It is really hard to tell in this reality.

    • thefartographer@lemm.ee
      11·
      4 months ago

      To test those strong in will and trusting in faith.

      And God forbade Moses from inserting himself between the couch cushion or folding the pillows in half for pleasure. A second and third time, God commanded Moses, “thou shalt not hump the armrest whilst spanking thyself and going ‘ungh ungh ungh ungh!’”

      As Moses mounted the backrest of the couch, God told Moses he was starting to get pissed off. “What?! I can’t even make love to the back cushions?!” Moses exclaimed. “No, not upon any part of the couch shall you spread your seed, I just had it reupholstered.”

      Defiantly, Moses did then crap upon his own hand and smeared his filth upon God’s couch. God grew impatient and chided Moses, “You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you before you ever reach Israel for that!” And He saw that it was good while Moses made faces at God and falsely claimed he did not wish to enter Israel anyway.

  • N0body@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    39·
    4 months ago

    LBJ: Let’s spread a rumor that he’s a pigfucker.

    Aide: But he never fucked a pig…

    LBJ: I know. I just want to hear him deny it.

    • marcos@lemmy.world
      9·
      4 months ago

      That.

      I care really a lot if you accuse somebody of being Hitler and then go work for him. But fuck anybody caring about fucking couches.

    • GBU_28@lemm.eeEnglish
      7·
      4 months ago

      First it’s just the couch.

      Then it’s the couch with your wife on it.

      Then it’s your wife.

      This is a documented progression of predatory behavior

    • Schorsch
      6·
      4 months ago

      You didn’t think about the couch, do you? Animal.

  • Kairos@lemmy.today
    10·
    4 months ago

    Is this a real image? Please tell me it’s a real thing the campaign released this is fucking halarious.

    Edit: aww satire :(

  • grandma@sh.itjust.works
    6·
    4 months ago

    Would JD Vance ever fuck a couch, melons, jell-O or other food stuffs or furniture? Just askin’?

  • Todd Bonzalez@lemm.ee
    5·
    4 months ago

    The best part of this is that J.D. Vance will never be able to be in a photo with a couch ever again. Think about how hard that is going to be, especially if he is VP.

    Otherwise we’ll be collecting them as evidence of all the couches he’s fucked.