Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.
There is nothing unhealthy about being annoyed when someone forces you to always come to them no matter what it is about again and again and again, instead of at least sometimes actively coming to you when they want to interact.
It’s literally the opposite. The partner doesn’t even want to spend the effort to verbalize what it is they want to show. Instead, they ask OP to invest time and energy to “come here” for dubious returns. They’re not doing it for OP, but for the recognition they expect for “showing them stuff”.
Why wouldn’t you want to see the stuff that the person you like wants to show you? If you don’t want to go why don’t you just say “no”? Your partner isn’t a villain for wanting to show you stuff. They either wants to make your day a bit better, share something they like with you or they might need help with something.
Because I really don’t get why you have to be anxious about “going over there”.
why don’t you just say “no”
How could OP decide when they don’t even know why they’re supposed to go?
I really don’t get why you have to be anxious about “going over there”
Because OP has a life of their own? They need to stop whatever they were doing, physically get up, stare at whatever it is they’re supposed to stare at, and retreat again. OP isn’t a dog you can call to attention whenever you feel like it. How would you like it if I called you across the apartment repeatedly for no reason?
If the partner wants to show OP something, why don’t they get up? Why does OP have to expend the effort?
And she should ignore the obnoxious way he chooses to do it? What other things you propose sje should ignore?
How is it obnoxious to say “hey. Come here”?
Because she’s not a dog, and he doesn’t get to issue commands to her.
Even if it was “Hey, can I show you something?” that would be a bit better - it’s asking for her attention and presence rather than demanding it.
She still has the right to say “no”.
People have a tendency to “want to be nice”. If it’s not too demanding, we usually follow requests. You may be different (I say this without judgement), but most people don’t like to not follow request. Hence the “come here” feels like an order, even though, on the surface it isn’t.
I had a very similar issue and absolutely do know what you are talking about. Those things can be very annoying, and it is hard to explain how bad it feels to people who did not experience it themselves.
My recommendation is to talk to your husband about it and explain to him that this behavior annoys you. You can also try to explain why, but in the end that should not matter. Might take several tries until he gets it, and then still a while to actually adjust his behavior. If that fails you can still look into counseling.
you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?
Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.
I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.
As a counselor, there’s very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, “Why does it REALLY bother me so much?” No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there’s more going on here than is being told.
As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
Don’t forget to lawyer up
You’re not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we’re always within earshot of each other.
I think it bothers you (and me) because it’s akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn’t value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.
Once in a while? Fine. Always? That’s just being disrespectful.
I’ve simply resorted to “what is it?”, “I’m busy right now” or “I’ll come later”, and that usually ends up with a “never mind”, so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect. At least this is why I text people I could just as easily talk to.
Texting is inherently asynchronous. Your wife is telling you, “This isn’t urgent. Read it whenever you get the chance.” If you’re in the middle of something, texting is less obtrusive than if they just started talking with you out of nowhere.
This is just my personal interpretation. Only you can decide if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.
I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.
This. Learn to set boundaries for something that stresses you out
Why
Because you’re not the property of a huge baby
