I’m wondering, why can’t I be fun whenever I feel things are getting more serious with someone? Why can I just not be silly? Why can’t I play and be goofish with those that matter to me? Why must I be so damn dead serious?
This is discussed a lot in Bessel van der Kolk’s book. When your nervous system is constantly aroused to a fight or flight state, such as due to anxiety, trauma-based reactions to situations, the parts of your brain responsible for creativity, imagination, sense of self shut down as the parts of your brain responsible for self preservation drive the ship. This can become chronic and you end up just feeling numb.
I figured, in my case it is, I subconsciously shut down happiness, actually all positive feelings, because I can’t deal with the feelings that come with being positively vulnerable – sensory emotions of
I am going to be exploited now, etcThus I don’t have real friends, really, because I just hang around with people I dislike, because I don’t feel like I am going to be robbed by them, because I can’t lose myself with them as I didn’t REALLY gave myself into the relationship.
And I keep people at distance, afar from me so that they can’t hurt me … wtf I hate this survival mechanism so much 🙊 🤦
