Her: I just got my car back from the garage. They told me to keep an eye on the tyre wear, but I don’t really know what that means or how to do it.
Me: I can show you how to do that if you like?
Her: I don’t need you to mansplain things to me! MAN KNOW CAR THING, WOMAN NO DO.
I stopped myself from correcting her interpretation of mansplaining, because it was clear that any man was forbidden from communicating normally with her.
The problem is that some people are hot garbage at explaining what they’re feeling while seeking emotional validation. In situations like this, they’re in a place of distress where thinking through stuff is just hard. The dialogue that GP lays out has subtext that can only be deduced by reading the parts where she is angry. In this case, her angered response at closing a knowledge gap strongly suggests that she really just wanted to be heard and supported.
I think she might be bothered by the fact that the mechanic asked her to do something where she’s out of her depth. This sets up the following thoughts in her mind:
I didn’t really know how to take care of my car
A man had to explain that to me
I now have to do a thing that I don’t know how to do
It’s obvious to everyone at the auto shop that I don’t know what I’m doing
… which is a recipe for embarrassment and vulnerability. And she’s gonna carry that feeling home. GP should follow up with a dialogue that demonstrates care and support, so she can process all this. If she really wants material help, like proper auto care, she’ll ask once she feels safe to do so.
That said, it’s impossible to know for sure without confirming anything. To do that, we must be proactive with such people and ask smart questions up front to figure out where they want the conversation to go. But you’re going to have a whole conversation about this so make sure you have the next 30-60 minutes available. Also, pack your patience, because this has 0% to do with you, your feelings, and your answers to “problems”. Literally anyone is able to do this, but she trusts you to be there for her.
Say things like this:
I’m here for you.
Are you in a “talking about feelings” place or “I’m looking for solutions” mode?
And how did that make you feel? (keep asking this throughout the conversation)
That sounds terrible/awful (or good/nice depending on the response - key here is validation)
“Mirror” - repeat back to them what you understand they told you (this works better than you think)
Do not:
Offer alternate interpretations to what was said - if you must, ask if they’re okay with this
Escalate the mood - your role here is to bring serenity and support, don’t add to the bad vibes
Explain/mansplain/lecture in this moment - people sometimes need a whole day to get over stuff
Insert yourself into the conversation - even relating an anecdote can come off as a lecture
Enable bad behavior or call it out - this isn’t about you or your moral ethos, leave that for later
This may seem like a real chore to some people; it did to me at first. The “right” answer may seem like “teach a man to fish” and all that. It’s so simple, right? But here’s the rub: we should all be doing this, and we should all be so supported. Having your bad day met with “well, here’s what you should have done instead” is just a miserable way to live.
And yeah, absolutely awful people abuse this framework, can’t introspect, and/or never learn. It’s possible you’re in this situation right now, so be smart about it. Be mindful of patterns and ask to be heard in kind (reciprocate) when you think or feel you’re being taken advantage of (e.g. “you keep coming to me for support for the same problem over and over and I feel used”). When your feelings are being dismissed, stepped on, or outright abused, that’s the moment to re-think things. Seek help elsewhere.
Her: I just got my car back from the garage. They told me to keep an eye on the tyre wear, but I don’t really know what that means or how to do it.
@Luvs2Spuj: putting down video game controller and giving a big sigh I can show you how to do that if you like?
Her: I don’t need you to mansplain things to me MAN KNOW CAR THING, WOMAN NO DOI’ll just look it up online.
@Luvs2Spuj: FINE! IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVEN’T BEEN FIXING CARS FOR YEARS! GO AHEAD AND ASK SOME IDIOT ON TWITTER!
Her: No reason to shout. I’ll ask you questions if I need your help.
@Luvs2Spuj: I’M GOING TO POST ON THE INTERNET THAT YOU’RE BEING MEAN
Her: That is your right as we live in a free society. I see you and hear you, and I respect your opinions. Later tonight, I’m sure we can make sweet romantic love to settle our difference.
@Luvs2Spuj: All of this has me so worked up, I can’t even get hard anymore.
Her: I’ll just pick up some Chad at a bar and bring him over so you can watch, like we normally do.
Conversation with ex girlfriend:
Her: I just got my car back from the garage. They told me to keep an eye on the tyre wear, but I don’t really know what that means or how to do it.
Me: I can show you how to do that if you like?
Her: I don’t need you to mansplain things to me! MAN KNOW CAR THING, WOMAN NO DO.
I stopped myself from correcting her interpretation of mansplaining, because it was clear that any man was forbidden from communicating normally with her.
Glad she’s an ex now.
“You said you didn’t know. But i know. Leave gender out of this.”
Why would this not work?
Sounds like you’ve only dated reasonable people.
I hoped for some examples, to learn from.
Okay, here’s what I can share.
The problem is that some people are hot garbage at explaining what they’re feeling while seeking emotional validation. In situations like this, they’re in a place of distress where thinking through stuff is just hard. The dialogue that GP lays out has subtext that can only be deduced by reading the parts where she is angry. In this case, her angered response at closing a knowledge gap strongly suggests that she really just wanted to be heard and supported.
I think she might be bothered by the fact that the mechanic asked her to do something where she’s out of her depth. This sets up the following thoughts in her mind:
… which is a recipe for embarrassment and vulnerability. And she’s gonna carry that feeling home. GP should follow up with a dialogue that demonstrates care and support, so she can process all this. If she really wants material help, like proper auto care, she’ll ask once she feels safe to do so.
That said, it’s impossible to know for sure without confirming anything. To do that, we must be proactive with such people and ask smart questions up front to figure out where they want the conversation to go. But you’re going to have a whole conversation about this so make sure you have the next 30-60 minutes available. Also, pack your patience, because this has 0% to do with you, your feelings, and your answers to “problems”. Literally anyone is able to do this, but she trusts you to be there for her.
Say things like this:
Do not:
This may seem like a real chore to some people; it did to me at first. The “right” answer may seem like “teach a man to fish” and all that. It’s so simple, right? But here’s the rub: we should all be doing this, and we should all be so supported. Having your bad day met with “well, here’s what you should have done instead” is just a miserable way to live.
And yeah, absolutely awful people abuse this framework, can’t introspect, and/or never learn. It’s possible you’re in this situation right now, so be smart about it. Be mindful of patterns and ask to be heard in kind (reciprocate) when you think or feel you’re being taken advantage of (e.g. “you keep coming to me for support for the same problem over and over and I feel used”). When your feelings are being dismissed, stepped on, or outright abused, that’s the moment to re-think things. Seek help elsewhere.
People-things are always so complicated.
“Ok, bye” is the only reasonable response.
Fin