Here’s a better tip: Find a partner you don’t feel the need to keep huge secrets from.
Impossible. That perfect partner could turn darkside on you years into marriage.
Most people who marry think they found the perfect partner, but the divorce rates say otherwise.
So…divorce them?
There is nothing wrong with keeping separate bank accounts but it’s shady as fuck to keep a secret one. If you feel the need to do that, you don’t trust them so you’re clearly not in the right relationship
Well yes but it would be nice not to have to move in with parents that may be dead or assholes or friends that have no room. The secret stash is for moving out safely and quickly.
You can have a stash without it being secret.
What’s stopping a suddenly violent spouse from demanding the “stash”?
If you have separate bank accounts you are likely to have several thousands on one account. You can restrict the maximum amount you can withdraw in a day without visiting the bank personally. It would take a week or so to withdraw all the money and send it to your violent spouse.
The only way this would work is if you couldn’t leave the house or call anyone - after all, you’d still have a large chunk of your money left. And if your spouse doesn’t allow you to leave after becoming violent, what’s to stop them from doing this if your stash was secret?
Also you can tell the bank the transaction was fraudulent and you’ll likely get your money back.
You’ve clearly never been married and have no idea what you’re talking about. Hiding secrets and saying it’s impossible not to is the most destructive thing you could do to your marriage. On top of all, hiding assets from a spouse during a divorce amounts to contempt of court and carries a penalty and additional legal battles and expenses. Please don’t recommend anyone to do it.
Sure but it’s always good to keep a backup/bug out plan.
I would absolutely keep enough money set aside to at least get an apartment and furnish the necessities immediately. That’s smart.
Then find a partner who is okay with having separate bank accounts that you can keep your own money in. It doesn’t have to be a secret.
Sound wisdom for both the husband and wife. Obviously the grandmother has her own experiences that make that good advice for a woman, but I think it’s good for everyone.
Have a joint account where you pay for shared expenses, and then your own separate account for yourself. For probably the majority of relationships now, both parties are (or at least should) be working anyway.
Own seperate account doesn’t mean secret account that your spouse doesn’t know about.
Yeah, secret sounds shady. But I get the rationale. Me personally I wouldn’t feel a need to tell my partner, but I wouldn’t hide it per se.
Grandma is a wise, WISE woman. Like, I can’t tell you how wise. And everyone should listen to her advice–men and women both. Have an account in YOUR name, and have enough stashed away in there so if things go tits up and all you have left is the shirt on your back, you can get an airplane ticket to someone who will help you get back on your feet. $2k sounds good to me, but even $100 can help massively if you’re in a dark place.
(And if you don’t have anyone you can get a plane ticket to–put even more in if you’re able, so you can keep a roof over your head and gas in your car if you have to suddenly reinvent your own life and have no friends or other family members to flee to.)
I grew up in an abusive home, and found out the horrifically hard way when I ran away at 16 that my uncle had been stealing out of my account, because minors are forced to have joint accounts instead of accounts in their own name. He purposefully stole the money I earned at work and took it, so when I needed it most when I ran away from home, it wasn’t there.
In my darkest hour, I needed money, because the ones who were supposed to love me didn’t actually love me and I hit my limit and I had to get out.
And my money wasn’t there. And this happened because I wasn’t allowed to have a bank account of my own. As a minor I was old enough to work–but not old enough to have my own bank account, and I had no legal recourse to get that money back once my guardian stole it from me.
And as I understand it, even if you’re an adult, you have no legal recourse to get money back if someone on a joint account with you takes out of it–even if you’re the one who earned the money to begin with. I would only have had recourse if the account had bee IN MY NAME ONLY.
I’m nowhere near grandma’s age up there, but it’s SO FUCKING common for abusers to steal your money as way to control you so you can’t leave. Having an account of your own with anywhere between $100 -$2,000 in it as an emergency fund is critical to your OWN survival. Everyone should have a separate bank account of their own with a little money in it for emergencies, even if they largely agree to join finances with a partner or spouse. Men AND women should have it. It’s not a betrayal of trust to give yourself a lifeline like that. You don’t know what life will bring you. Or take away.
And it’s not some “hiding assets in a divorce” trickery that some people crawling about these comments would say. Shoving $2k (or even less, because sometimes even an extra $100 can help in dire situations) into an account only YOU can touch isn’t divorce malfeasance, it’s not the same as shoving a fucking yacht or a bunch of stocks or whatever in there as a way to fuck over a divorcing spouse. It’s making sure if things go truly tits-up, you can get a plane ticket or uber or SOMETHING to get yourself to physical safety if it’s needed. It’s not swaning off in a golden parachute, it’s making sure you can put gas in your car and pay the insurance for a month or two if you’re suddenly living in it.
Honestly, for all of you saying “oh, my trust in my spouse would be broken if they did that!” and “oh, someone this paranoid isn’t even whole enough to have a relationship–they should stay single!”…well, let’s turn that around.
Why the hell would I want a spouse that LOVED ME SO LITTLE that having a $2k emergency fund in my own name in a bank account only I can access would break your heart to pieces?
Why is ME caring for MYSELF and my physical safety in the most minimal way possible something that will make you love me less? Why do you, a person supposedly in a relationship with me (or someone like me!) not love me enough to allow me to have an emergency escape plan that might keep me physically safe if something unexpected goes wrong? Why are you elevating your feelings over my SAFETY?
That selfish behavior is just as chilling to ME as my supposed “betrayal of trust” would be to you if I had a bank account kept secret from you.
Grandma in the Tweet above loves her grandkids. She’s not afraid of hurting her granddaughter’s feelings because she knows the advice might well keep her grandkid physically safe and alive to face another day.
