Why is this an Onion article? It is completely factual.

Proof:

“No one has been through what I’ve been through and I’ve been through a lot, trust me, more than you know,” said Trump, speaking with a heavy slur and sweating profusely. “They said I couldn’t be treated any worse, but I have, the worst ever, some say. These girls saying ‘ew’, they say ‘ew’ these days. Girls in my day, they didn’t say ‘ew’, they would say, ‘why do they call this plane the Lolita Express?’ And we’d say, ‘don’t worry about it, sweetheart.’ Never ‘ew’.’