(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.
“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.
“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”
Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”
“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.
Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.
But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”
“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”
Ironically that’s all brian had to do and he would’ve lived, but nope, he just had to decide to cross the line and not just be “a little evil” but a “supervillian” and mass murder through a stroke of pen.
I know you’re trying to make a funny joke here, and I completely agree with the sentiment. I just want to point out a spot I think the story could be improved upon. People that hang out with the CEO don’t get 30k dollar raises. They get 100, 200, 300 thousand dollar raises, in the forms of stock. Bonuses are usually based on the performance of the company as well, so it’s more likely to be 100k plus bonus. I understand the difference might not seem that much, but people like me (I consider myself well off) don’t meet the ceo or play golf with anyone even within arms reach of the ceo, but I have gotten normal 10k bonuses and 30k dollar raises.
These people are so so so soooo much higher on the wealth spectrum that it doesn’t even compute. Like the people in Home Alone wouldn’t even be talking to the CEO level of wealth.
Security guards don’t hang out with the CEO, although I am now enjoying the idea of a C-Suite executive retreat for sniper training.
“Julie, you’re INTJ… why don’t you snap off a few rounds and see if that makes you feel more outgoing.”
Where is this from?
I wrote it. So…. It’s from here.
Nice.
