I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and just realized how weird it is, after trying to explain it out loud to a friend who’s also neurodivergent.
I’m curious to know if it’s a common experience with other neurodivergent individuals.
My mind has three different depths:
- a very conscious one, capable of conjuring images and sounds from the void, capable of manipulating at will said images, morph them, move them… I can think « words » and have them be real in my mind
- a conscious but closed one: I can put words in it but without acting on them, only watching them. This one is the weirdest of all. There is a difference for me when I think about « dog » and just « look at the idea of a dog ». There are some things I don’t want to consciously think about (like things that makes me sad or depressed) so instead of thinking about them I’ll put them in this zone. They exist but it’s very different from having the words out loud in my mind, as if I was thinking inside my own mind. It’s like I’m in a museum watching thoughts behind plexiglass
- the dark zone, where I put things I don’t want to think about at all, things I want to forget. It’s literally a foggy dark place made of some kind of fluid darkness with no thoughts shining in it, I have to consciously want and try to pull things from it
A while ago, I read somewhere that the mere thing of being able to conjure images was « rare », like only 25% of people on earth can do it. Somehow I linked this idea to people being neurodivergent but I have no proof or source and I may just have made things up in my sleep or under the shower.
TL;DR: how does your mind works? Mine is weird
Vision zone. Where I prefer to be when idle. I can see and hear things fairly vividly, what others might call daydreaming. I mean, it IS daydreaming, except I do it at night too, it’s the only way I can relax enough to sleep. I tend to flit between subjects rapidly. Sometimes the endeavor is creative, or planning, stored away for later use - most times, it’s simply self-indulgent. Fantasies of making a difference, usually. I’m hard to reach when I’m like this, and if I slip into this when talking, I quickly lose what I’m talking about.
Talk zone. I’m extremely introverted, but very words-oriented. I can have long conversations where the words are not vocalized, even inside my head, but are nonetheless ‘present’ and engaged in dialogue. When typing up this comment, this is where I am, for example, running over the words in my mind like a printer setting type. I said “a printer setting type” out loud, and briefly flitted up to a more vision-oriented zone, consumed with the image of a printer running his fingers along type that very satisfyingly ‘clicks’ into place. This is also where I’m most social towards others, though it can very quickly drop down into tension if I don’t know them well and/or lack subjects of interest to speak on.
Tension zone. Where I mask. Everything else shuts off. All that remains is hyperawareness of the current situation and a burning desperation to escape it in a way that does not make me feel guilty for shirking responsibilities or hurting the feelings of others who’ve done nothing with malice, and often acted with kindness. I’m very attentive when my mind is here, so most people consider me polite, amicable, and helpful; in reality, I’m screaming behind my eyes every moment. It’s a state of alertness, it’s exhausting, and I hate it. There’s no overlap or easy transition between here and the other two.