There’s this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, you’re a transphobe. That could be true for some people but it’s not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the “if you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudice” is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Let’s get that out of the way. This isn’t a foot in the door for “trans this really isn’t that” narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, there’s plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I don’t think it’s racist if a woman says she doesn’t want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isn’t more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who don’t want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldn’t. That’s not fair to you and you’re denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? They’re going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: “If you loved me for real this wouldn’t bother you”… that’s not going to convince anyone. They’re either going to leave, or they’ll resent you forever. That’s just how it is. You can be mad at that but that’s about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. There’s just no way to win once you’ve gone down that road.
“I want a CIS mate” is not the same as “trans women are not women” - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldn’t be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate people’s right to choose who they want to get intimate with, it’s not going to end well for you. All you’re going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they don’t want to. And that’s not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people don’t imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
on the flip side, people should be able to say they want a trans partner.
real talk though, no one should be deceiving anyone if they plan to start a healthy relationship with someone, period.
I’m stealth trans in public and don’t feel it’s necessary to come out to every one i meet or even work with. But if I’m flirting with someone or know someone has an interest in me, I respect them enough to let them know.
it all comes back to the idea that you don’t need to know what someone’s genitals look like unless you plan on fucking them.
I think I that’s a concept that cis straight people don’t get. You don’t come out once. You have a big coming out, once, to friends and family. Then every new person you meet, you decide whether to tell them outright, whether to subtly tell them, or whether you don’t tell them. Each time, you’re considering if you’ll meet them again, if it serves a purposes of it feels like hiding, your safety, whether it will affect their opinion of you and so be to your disadvantage etc. It’s tiring.
Somehow, nobody here is talking about that “cis mate” is accidentally too restrictive, if it’s about genital preference. Saying “I want a cis mate” is going to exclude non-binary people that would actually be perfectly compatible with your genital preference and present close enough to the gender you’re attracted to. Let’s be appropriately specific when talking about this stuff, people
I’m a transwoman and I agree with you on this. When I was dating, I was upfront and when a guy said it was a deal breaker, it saved both of us a lot of time.
Most guys I talked to said it was a dealbreaker, and yeah it sucks. It makes you feel “othered.” But I can’t expect anyone to go outside their sexual comfort zone for a rando on Tinder.
Most of the guys were very polite about it all, too. And that’s all you should need to do.
If someone’s shaming you about it, that’s a good sign they have something going on in their own life. Essentially it’s their problem, not yours.
Hope this helps~
Man I guess I’m a bigot, and I’m frustrated about it.
I get the phrase “transwomen are women” and respect that perspective.
But if I were seeking a cis woman partner who is seeking a cis man, it would be a dealbreaker if they were trans.
So I’m confronted with the reality that if I want to believe trans women are women, I shouldn’t be able to hold my second opinion, but it feels like one that can’t budge.
How to reconcile?
It’s because you can’t change your sexuality. Being attracted only to CIS women is your sexuality.
That’s not how sexuality works.
How to reconcile?
LOL you don’t. “Transwomen are women (except when I am choosing a mate, then I can be selective)”
Clarification: are you calling me out for inconsistency?
So I’m confronted with the reality that if I want to believe trans women are women, I shouldn’t be able to hold my second opinion, but it feels like one that can’t budge.
You called yourself out.
I’m not calling myself out, I’m exploring a personal facet.
I believe picking a mate is a 100% choice environment. I personally (as the subject of the example) am seeking a bio, cis woman.
The point of the thread is how to indicate your mate preference without being hurtful.
I dont think it’s bigoted to not seek a transgender mate, but am open to conversation on that. I can understand putting a “no trans” label on a profile can seem hurtful, even when the intention is anything but.
Your second statement (except for when I’m choosing a mate) seems reasonable. Is it not?
I’m not degrading trans women, I’m simply specifying the particulars of my search, which goes beyond “trans women are women”
I personally (as the subject of the example) am seeking a bio, cis woman.
Ah, so you’re saying “no trans”
I can understand putting a “no trans” label on a profile can seem hurtful
Yes, people will feel excluded by this
I’m not degrading trans women
Correct, you are just saying that they aren’t sexually attractive to you and you assign higher sexual market value to cis women and that you see trans women and cis women as different
And shouldn’t everyone individually assess their own "sexual market value"s, and be free to do so?
This is an “own” valuation, you aren’t valuing a whole group of people as “less than” you’re just valuing your own matches.
It’s not that I’m too good for any one in particular, just looking for certain varieties of humans to date
