Personal favorite is twat waffle
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
“The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”
The best part? My friend’s dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.
There are people who did not stand at the front of the line when intelligence was gifted . But that guy wasn’t even invited at all…
“Do you need a sign to wear?”
If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.
Also a bonus:
- don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!
(They had to say mister)
Fuck your entire fucking life, ya piece of shit.
What are you for?
Have heard some great ones in Glasgow. The best part of you slid down the inside of yer mother’s leg.
After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”
I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.
Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.
It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is “They couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery”.
My personal variation, “couldn’t organise a pissup in a pissupery”.
Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel
But I’m a genius in France!
