I’ve 🐝 bee-n fighting for two years now. I have this « job » that I’ve been stuck with forever now. My inability to enjoy the little things of life is just another indication of my dereliction: hating the bitter man I’m becoming, seeing myself in people I despise, being unable to think, speak, create.
There’s no future for me here. No way out from my work. No time to dedicate to what I love. I read the introduction of Camus’ « L’homme Révolté » about absurdism in other to be something else than a consuming shitty human, and I don’t agree with most of the moral dilemmas: killing yourself is not the same as killing another person. I’m making a choice for myself and maybe, one of the limits of this argument is that I’m imposing my absence on others…
But who might miss me? My family & friends? It’s true, there are the ones that made me stay this long, but nothing is changing, and I need to help myself.
ಥ_ಥ, maybe see you tomorrow ?
Why are you unable to participate in the world? What withholds you from gaining happiness? If it’s just your job, then I’d suggest finding another job, but that seems like an obvious answer, so I assume you’ve already looked into that.
I’m in the french high school system which are very long working days (which is normal) on uninteresting things with teachers that hate teaching, and classmates with endearing stories but questionable sex lives of which they talk way too much.
In all this shallowness, I have no energy when I get back at home, after doing my shitty math homework, to even boot up my laptop to work on my coding project.
It’s constantly fighting your mind that tells you that there’s more to life, that you should not waste your time with such a poor experience.
But you don’t have self-determination, you just have the responsibilities of going there, putting down a smile, and get fingered for good grades to go to a shitty engineering school teaching Java from 2008 and then work at a shit ass computing job where you’re the genius computer guy installing Adobe Reader on everyone’s PC.
There are a lot alternatives out there to the way of life you are describing. It seems like that’s the only way since that’s how people around you live. But if you look a bit outside of your circle - you will find people living other lives. They also have their own problems - but what you see ahead of you, is not the only way.